Since Childhood

It has been many years since I, a nine-year old girl by then, received a billet-doux from a thirteen-year old boy who introduced me something fervently good in life. It’s something that made my heart felt like being captivated even during childhood, which I thought would eventually fade away but surprisingly did not. I was elated by the thought that we were still holding on. That’s the reason why I’ve been pleading God to guide us both in our journey together.

I couldn’t bear the thought of losing his grip in the vast nothingness. Thus, I deeply engulfed him in the abyss of my heart where no one could take him away from me. I would be grateful granting that I have seen him through the reluctance to leave. It brought angst to my senses if somebody strove to seize him out. And when he could no longer stay, a bit of enigma it was to set him free. Not only could I let him go but also I anticipated the accentuation of his happiness without having me around. As for myself, though not adept with an instantaneous mayhem, I’ll strugglingly manage to ease any pain and will defy possible circumstances that may lead to self-destruction.

I tried to banish every little thing that reminds me of him but harshly as I chided, my heart refused to obey. Then I realized that he was just a part of my distant past. Acceded it was right, that didn’t take away the impression that in him I felt I belong.

The memories of him in days of yore evoke within me. The blissful moments we used to share dwell upon the jars of memories. But to hear the tranquility of the night is distressing that he’s not here by my side and I whimper because I long for his presence. The only consolation I have is that he is with me even though we’re apart.

To the boy I used to call Papogs: “A certain dilemma has been haunting me since childhood. Hoping someday, somewhere, and somehow you’re waiting for the wonderful moment for us to share anew. I am with you in this life of uncertainty. Hold on. Until then my beloved Papogs!”